|A Real Friend
When you are sad, ....I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I´ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I´ll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, .. I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ....I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ..I will use little words to explain it
to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ....stay away from me until you´re well
again. I don´t want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, I pledge ´till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you´re my friend!
P.S. Send this poem to ten of your closest friends or else you
will have bad luck and go to hell and get depressed because
you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not
speaking to you right now anyway.
P.P.S. A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.
|Only in America
||Wed Oct 30 01:00:35|
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front! of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the! pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won´t miss a call from someone we didn´t want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)
9. Only in America......do we use the word ´politics´ to describe the process so well: ´Poli´ in Latin meaning ´many´ and ´tics´ meaning ´bloodsucking creatures´.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can´t put on mascara with their
Why don´t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liqu! id is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
Why isn´t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
! Why didn´t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don´t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don´t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
sleeping. ( and that´s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it´s "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco´s Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn´t this save me more time?)
On Boot´s Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I´m taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I´m a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury´s peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open! packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child´s superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don´t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
||Sat Nov 2 21:15:40|
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new
element has been named "Governmentium ". Governmentium has
1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can
be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction
to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less
than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not
decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of
the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium´s mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization causes some morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-
promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium
is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it